The Best Intentions

I can not believe it has been almost a year since I posted to this blog. I was going to use this as a clearing house for the thoughts that rattle in my head. I had intended to blog at least every two days, use this as a place to let my hair down,self evaluate, and bare my soul if you will.Let me see I started the blog and posted twice and now only 355 days later another post. I wonder if I should share all my random thoughts for good intent that I have had in the last 355 days. Should I share all the idea I have had that really were good, but other than talk about them have done nothing.I know the dangers of good intentions after all I raised my children with them, even hurt my wife with them, and they must just seem like lies to friends.I must admit I do not spend near as much time in the room of good intentions as I use to. What am I doing beating myself up for not posting to a blog that nobody else reads? I am angry at myself for letting myself down and not following through again, GET OVER YOURSELF. Posting or not posting to blog does not matter, not living life by a rule of good intent does. Honestly the last 355 days have been fantastic! Have I screwed up? YES! Have I let myself and others down? Yes! Have I improved my relationship with my wife and kids? Yes! Have I became more a part of my community? YES!Have I reached out to other struggling folks? YES! Most Importantly have I improved my relationship with God? YES,YES,YES! So while I have not been writing here I have been a busy boy. I have found a trusting graceful relationship with a higher power that I all God. Have I improved on the thing I wrote about a year ago? I have made progress and continue to work on myself and my relationship with him so I can be a better Husband,Father, and Friend.I pray everyday for the gift to follow through and to not just dream. I am grateful for the ability to dream again, but dreams without follow though for me become more boxes in the room of good intentions.I pray for the time to write here again maybe in a day, a week or a month or even a year. I pray that God blesses us all everyday, funny I would pray for what we all already have.

Another day another chance to grow

It is funny how God makes us admit, look at, and take responsibility for our shortcomings. I have a very good friend who called me today to ask for help. The co dependent side of me wants to run and help. It is a truly wonderful feeling to be needed, for someone to think of you as having the answers to their problem or just being the sounding board for their trials. It just so happens that I have been asked to help guide and advise someone in their personnel fiances. Now I find myself at a place where I must admit one of my shortcomings publicly. I suck at managing money. I manage money like an addict with a bag that has to last a week and is looking for a fix the next day. I have never taken responsibility for this part of my life. I have a wonderful wife who with the help of my paycheck every week pays all of the bills in our home. Other than working to bring home a check I do nothing to help with the bills. I have always used that the excuse that we would have a great time but would never know when the lights or water would be turned off. As I write this I see how truly sad, immature, and irresponsible I have been. I have always given my wife the credit for everything we have because of her ability to rob Peter to pay Paul. I have the ability to incur debt with the dream of paying it back, of every intention of paying back. All I have really done is increase the the stress in her life. I have forced her to feel like the bad guy for being the responsible one of us. I say it is OK to say no, without even considering how much I hate telling her no. I have listened to her, seen the stress, and ignored the cry for help. I have made offers to help and never have. She has said she would show me what and who we owe, I have never had the time. Today I must do 2 things:
1) Call my friend and thank him for opportunity to grow. Tell him I need help as well. Explain to him that the reason it appears we have our act together financially is because of my wife.
2) Make an amends to my wife, ask her to forgive me for being selfish. Ask her for guidance in learning how to manage a household budget. Then try to take some of the burden from her.
How will it go, God only knows. I will pray for his help in changing this behavior. I never know how He will chose to speak to me, He used a friend today. For me it is a God moment when a friend asks for help, and you find that it is you that needs the help.

A place to Start

And there was a beginning! I remember being warm and wet kind of humid maybe, then a sudden bright light a smack on the butt an the first cry of life. Since then how many day have started like that, more than I want to remember. For me it is important to remember them all as the journey to today has been long, if I were to forget the trip back would be very short. I feel I am at the point of birth again only this time with my relationship with God. I have started a new journey to know God, If only I had the ability to look at this with the eyes and wonder of a child. I find that I have to fight my addicts instinct to run, takeover, do it my way, not listen and talk my way down the path of this journey. It was this instinct that allowed me to fail 1o years to get a year sober. Life lead me to a 12 step program at 18, I just knew there was a better way. I sat in those rooms and thought I am not like those people. I had never lost a wife, kids, house, car or gone to jail. The truth is I just had not had the time to yet. I learned all the right lingo could quote the chapter and pages, but never did the work. I took the steps 2 at a time so I could miss the ones I did not like or that were to uncomfortable to face. I tried using multiple sponsors to hide from accountability. I used at 28 for the what I pray was the last time. I would be less than honest, if I told you alcohol and drugs are may only issues. I AM AN ADDICT and without care anything I find pleasure in can become my new addiction. As I face this new adventure I ask for Gods help to crawl, then walk and maybe one day the ability to run. It is funny I have always thought of my self as spiritual since becoming sober. I was having a conversation with my daughter and she tells me "I always thought mom was spiritual but I was not sure about you". This had nothing to do with attending church or reading the bible, but how we approached parenting and life. I have always believe I am not who I tell you I am, but who I show you I am. On that day my daughter taught me that, how I was living and acting was not who I thought I was. Today I know everything I do or say matters! Today I know that I am proudly one of those people and always will be and have found a Northstar to guide me back to God.